Dear President Obama

I am planning to move my extended family to Mexico, and I would like you to assist me.

We’re planning to walk across the border into Mexico, and we’ll need your help. We plan to skip the legal stuff, like visas, passports, and immigration quotas and laws. I am sure they handle those things the same way we do here. So, would you mind telling your buddy, President Calderon, that I am leaving now?

I will be expecting the following: free medical care for my entire family; English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services, whether I use them or not; all Mexican forms in English; my grandkids to be taught Spanish by English-speaking teachers; my grandkids to see the American flag on one of the flag poles at school.

Please plan to feed my grandkids at school for both breakfast and lunch; I will need a Mexican driver’s license so I can get easy access to government services; I would also like to have a nice job without paying any taxes and receive food stamps; I will also need income tax credits although I don’t pay Mexican taxes. Please also enroll me free into the Mexican Social Security System program so I will have a monthly income.

I know this is an easy request because you already do all these things for all his people who walk into the United States. I am sure President Calderon will not mind returning the favor if you ask him nicely.

I appreciate your assistance.

Jim Lowery