Alzheimer's inside and out

I am 77 years old and I have Alzheimer's disease. It is a form of dementia. My heart goes out to those who have early onset of this disease. It robs us of our minds, our personalities and can eventually kill us.

I am Harvard educated in biochemistry. I have a master's degree from Yale in Chinese history and literature and an MBA in finance. I studied French, German and Chinese and remember these languages well enough. The French are notorious for ignoring Americans who do not speak their language perfectly, but they smile and accept my French even though my accent is not perfect.

My husband and I moved to Fallbrook shortly before we married in September 2002. I was a chemistry teacher, a state employee, a portfolio manager and later a successful business owner and investor.

You may know me from my Rotary service, my terms on the Fallbrook Senior Center board, my church and choir involvement, my volunteer work at Fallbrook High School or my candidacy for a seat on the Fallbrook Hospital District board.

My friends and family sometimes ask, often in a roundabout way, how has this disease changed me? How am I different?

My mind seems like Swiss cheese now. There are all these holes that thoughts fall into. I once was so good at many tasks, but now there are many I cannot do at all.

That is frustrating. I am sad about my lack of control over my own life. I cannot drive anymore. I would be a menace. I cannot handle my finances or cook. My husband has to manage my medicines and give me my pills at night. Otherwise I could overdose or forget to take them.

Above all, I feel a deep sense of loss. There is sadness even though I have always been a joyful person. We have made amazing advances in medicine as far as cancer, heart disease and strokes. Few inroads have been made with Alzheimer's.

I do crossword puzzles. I still enjoy reading. My favorites are historical novels. I am now rereading Gone with the Wind.

We watch movies and TV. My favorite TV show is NCIS. I understand it is the most watched TV show on the planet even though it always begins with Gibbs saying: "Dead sailor" or "Dead Marine."

I have devised my own strategy for slowing the progress of this disease. I associate as much as I can with other concepts and words to get as many of my neurons firing as possible.

For example, I was watching the movie, The Brownings of Wimple Street. Elizabeth Barrett Browning and her brother were both poets. I then try to recite one of her poems.

Emily Dickinson is my favorite poet. I recite some of her short poems to keep my brain active. I remember she grew up in Amherst, Massachusetts, and lived her whole life without marrying.

My second favorite poet is the English poet John Donne. He wrote passionate love poetry in his youth in 17th century England. In his later years he became the vicar of St. Paul's Cathedral. My third favorite poet is Robert Frost.

When I see a rainbow, I think of its colors. Red, orange, blue, green, indigo and violet. Then I think of Judy Garland in The Wizard of Oz singing "Over the Rainbow." The tornado that swept Judy Garland into Oz reminds me of wind and sailing. And then I think about how I love to sail and how I once owned a sailboat.

I then remember Mt. Desert Island in Maine, where I sailed and my first husband, Seth Singleton, and I built a cottage with our own hands. Neither of us Harvard-educated intellectuals knew what we were doing, but the cottage still stands.

When you have Alzheimer's, it is often your short-term memory that is completely shot. I quickly forget what I had for breakfast. But then, who cares what we had for breakfast. The important thing is that I ate.

One of the most important activities we do together is exercise. We try to do that at the Fallbrook Senior Center. I also can go to a Fallbrook fitness center where there is an indoor pool. I like the warm water.

I am taking piano lessons from Natasha Ragland. She is patient with me with my dementia and my arthritis. She gave a concert at the Fallbrook library recently.

Life is good. We will all die of something. If we live long enough, many of us will develop dementia. Women get it more often. I think that is because we live, on average, seven years longer. I hope my death will be painless. The ganglia in the brain could reach my breathing center, and then I will stop breathing and probably die in my sleep.

I am lucky. I have a wonderful life. I am blessed. I am grateful for so many things. My sons, Will and Andy. Our lovely home. Our two beautiful kitties. God bless my husband, Tim. He is much younger and a truly good and loving man. Thank you, Lord, for him.

The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

As edited by Tim O'Leary